To Eric,My 81-year-old brother lost his temper and said harsh and hateful things about our youngest sister over eight months ago. At the time, I had a suspicion that he was intoxicated and likely frustrated by our sister’s recurring illnesses and issues, some of which were brought on by her own severe eating disorder, despair, and sporadic binge drinking.
I am thankful that our sister and I still have some kind of friendship, and I have never brought up the breakup with her.
My three nieces and I just organized an aunt’s visit. My brother texted me to thank me for inviting him to join us for dinner and games before they arrived, although we didn’t let him know about our plans or send him an invitation. Unaware of the rift, my sister informed him that our nieces would be visiting the area.
I’m at a lost, as is my wife. We can ask him to apologize for his nasty remarks or to explain why he was silent. To be honest, though, his apologies won’t make up for the intensity of what he said, which was mostly focused at our sister. He said something that I would never want her to know.
I am aware that owning up to one’s shortcomings requires a lot of bravery. Even if it’s easy to hold onto grudges, I understand how powerful it is to demonstrate grace. However, my brother’s behavior has been very telling. I’m fairly certain that my nieces will inquire about their uncle, and I’ve already wasted too much time worrying about his messages, so I could use some guidance.
Not Guests
Greetings and Invitation:Your brother’s hate speech wasn’t appropriate, and you don’t have to put up with it, regardless of whether it was driven by alcoholism, annoyance, or something else. Responding to the text by telling him that you, your sister, and your nieces made arrangements and that you would like to follow through on them is totally acceptable. He has no right to control the conditions of your gathering.
You might also let him know that although you value his communication, you need to talk before you can interact with people again. This is a method for you to maintain a healthy boundaries, not a means of punishing him.
If your sister and nieces inquire, you can also tell them that. They probably are if you are aware of these characteristics of his. Sometimes being straightforward and honest is preferable to smiling and putting up with it, even if they aren’t. Inform them that we are not in a good situation at the moment and that I hope he can work with me to improve it. I don’t want our weekend to be marred by this. I’m not asking you to pick sides, but people don’t always agree.
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